The Porn Myth

Naomi Wolf writes:

In the end, porn doesn’t whet men’s appetites—it turns them off the real thing.

Excellent article on the effects of porn on our society, especially the younger generation. As a man growing up in this environment, I can vouch for most of what is said here. Fortunately for me, I am married to a beautiful, wonderful woman who loves me for who I am. I feel sorry for many of the women and men out there who are being setup for failure in this way. It seems like they are all damaged goods now. Doomed to a life unfulfilled.

I like how she references Songs of Solomon. That is a perfect example of how our intimate relationships should be. Marriage and sex are intended to be synonymous terms in the sense that sex was made to be practiced in marriage. To all those who try to label marriage as the death knell to good sex, I stand with other loving married couples and defy this myth. On that note, please check out the Top Ten Myths of Marriage. Also, here is an interesting report from The Marriage project, a nonpartisan, nonsectarian group operating out of Rutgers University.

Quoting from another article on the subject, basically a book review of The Case for Marriage:

"Married sex really is better sex," report Waite and Gallagher. "Married women are almost twice as likely as divorced or never-married women to have a sex life that (a) exists and (b) is extremely emotionally satisfying." Some 43 percent of married men had sex at least twice a week vs. only 26 percent of single men. Both sexes "enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally than do their unmarried counterparts." Why? "The secret ingredient that marriage adds is commitment" which "increases sexual pleasure for both sexes."

I would add another perhaps less obvious reason for better and more often sex among married men and women. Unlike a single person, a married man or woman usually will have a ready and willing participant almost every day. They will certainly have to work at their marriage as they would anyway, but through mutual respect and a committed love for one another, they can enjoy an intimate relationship as often as both desire. Rather than seeking a willing participant out by whatever means, the married man or woman already has one available. This is not only much simpler, but very empowering. There is a certain level of self confidence that comes from knowing your partner very well. Knowledge like that takes a considerable amount of time and effort. It requires a committed relationship for that to be necessary. Once you get to know your partner, you both know what works and what doesn't. You also know each others proclivities and libido. It is much easier to plan or even spontaneously have a rendezvous under these circumstances.

This is all great you say, but how are the young people ever going to find themselves in a committed satisfying relationship when their preconceived notions are at an all time high? It will take time, effort, and patience I believe. I don't know how we can ever restore the mystery of sex as it once was. I'm afraid the gates have been opened on that one already. Perhaps we can take a cue from Ilana, the friend of the author of this article who became an Orthodox Jew in Jerusalem. She and her husband have a very private, intimate, and exciting bedroom. It is kept away from the kids, only they are allowed in. I plan to have this rule with our kids as well. I believe that is essential to a continued happy marriage over the long term. I don't know if we have to go as far as women wearing burhkas or head scarfs. I do think if women and men would start dressing more conservatively in public, it would start to create a little more mystery, maybe some interest. You always want what you can't have after all. I don't think these simple steps are going to make up for the effects of porn on relationships, but it is certainly a start. There is no simple solution to the porn part of the problem other than simply not taking part. I have a feeling the multi-billion dollar porn industry would not be very happy with this idea. I would say they are just like the tobacco companies peddling wares which ultimately prove harmful to their customers. Just like cigarettes, porn tends to provide that immediate rush or semblance of satisfaction, while leaving you only wanting more. Is it any wonder there are organizations centered around porn addiction and helping those who may be addicted?

Breaking Pornography addiction - This is an organization dedicated to addicts that has been around since 1997.

More information from Fires of Darkness on Pornography Addiction, including the phases of progression. They also have plenty of links to good information resources to get help and to identify potential problems.

Another good resource of help for porn addicts. This also has links to some good accountability software for internet use. One of them in particular, X3Watch was recommended by a minister who said not only was he recommending everyone in his congregation use it, but also promised to use it himself to keep him accountable.

I think if we take a long hard look at this issue, we can get some decent results. If we can at least stem the tide, perhaps turn it back in the right direction, we will stand a chance for the future generations. Sex is a wonderful gift from God and we should cherish it, not waste it. If people would come to realize this, they would probably appreciate it more. Don't get me wrong, by cherish it I don't mean keep it locked away never to be used. That is not the idea at all. Sex should be kept between husband and wife, for their mutual enjoyment and at some point procreation as well. There's nothing wrong with gaining pleasure from your spouse as long as you are both taking care of the other. I think that should about cover it.

By the way, this is the fabled part 2 of 2 I alluded to some time ago. I apologize for the delay, but I wanted to make sure it was worth posting before I put it out. As you know, busy with school, work, and family like everyone else. Hopefully I made it worth the wait.